So I have a friend who is newly single.  This means that she will presumably begin dating at some time in the near future.  With this comes the opportunity for a person like me, who is currently not in the dating pool, to have some burning date related questions answered.  I don’t know if I am the only person with these all important questions, so I am putting them out there in hopes that they will soon be answered.  So here they go:

1.)     What is an appropriate first date meal?  I mean at first I thought, SALAD.  Salad is a dainty and a stereotypically “female” meal, right?  But then I got to thinking.  What if the salad is poorly chopped and you end up looking like you are shoveling bushels of produce into your mouth?  Also, with salad comes the all too familiar risk of having something green stuck in between your teeth.  Then I thought, RIBS.  What better way to “weed out” the wussies who can’t deal with you when you are at your worst; covered in BBQ sauce with a sizable bit of babyback lodged in between your two front teeth.  No, way. Too ballsy.  I mean, I am up with feminism, but that is just not a good first impression.  Safer to follow the old “ribs come after the ring” philosophy.  So my theory for a safe first date meal?  Beer.  It serves to lighten the mood, lower those nagging inhibitions, and allow you to immediately dump the guy if he orders a Michelob Light.  Some say that beer is not a proper meal and will not satisfy hunger.  To those negative naysayers I have only one word in rebuttal, Guinness.  But I digress.  My naïve assertions are irrelevant.  This question needs an answer.

2.)    How many dates do you go on before you take that certain ultimate and relationship defining step?  When is it appropriate to share, with another human being, something so personal and intimate?  So please answer this question.  When is the right time to tell the guy what your favorite sports teams are? #makeorbreak

3.)    This one can be tied into question #3.  What is appropriate date convo?  I mean, let’s say that you are really into sports.  Do you ramble on for hours on end about how great the Seahawks defense is, or how Peyton Manning eats victory and shits glory, or how Arsenal is the greatest football team of all time and should have never let Van Persie go, or how you were so sure the Chicago Blackhawks would win the cup last season?  Or do you jump right into wedding china patterns and the fact that you are sure if you get married it will rival the union of William and Kate?  I am sure there is some sort of middle ground, and I am almost positive it involves talk of Game of Thrones.  Let me know.

4.)    This one is going to be a two part question.  When is it ok to go home with someone, and once you have been going home with someone, when can you poop at their house?  I mean it seems like a simple question, but some people are repulsed by bodily functions as it pertains to someone they are dating, and I cannot say that I blame them.  Example.  I was dating a guy.  He was successful, handsome, and an overall a great catch.  When I finally did go home with him, he excused himself because he had to pee.  He went to the bathroom, and well the door isn’t soundproof.  So I heard the flow of urine stop mid-stream and he farted.  It was kind of an intimacy killer, and it took a while for things to get back to normal post-flatulence. So, to poop or not to poop, that is the question, or at least one part of it.

Well I think I four is a safe amount of starter questions, and with any luck they will be answered via my wonderful friend who will be navigating her way through the gauntlet of dating.  I cannot say that I COMPETELY envy her new relationship status, but I would be lying if I didn’t admit that I am curious about the intricacies of dating.  So in closing, I say to all the singles out there, good luck and may the odds be forever in your favor.  (((hunger games whistle)))

Note: No salads or rib slabs were consumed in the making of this blog post. Unfortunately, neither were any pints…sigh

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